God, I was in such turmoil yesterday! Aside from the fact that I drove into Brooklyn yesterday to finally buy a suit for my brother's impending chasunah, and I was working on forty five minutes of sleep, I came back to yeshiva to find myself caught between the hanhala of my yeshiva and the guys in yeshiva.
What happened was that a guy, who apparently to everyone, including myself, was seriously growing in learning, etc. was kicked out after yom tov. Everyone was up in arms, and couldn't understand what was happening. I admit, I should have enough trust in my Rabbeim to implicitly back them, but I indeed found myself struggling with the whole thing. I understood that I didn't know all the facets of the story, and in an effort to assuage myself, and reenforce my confidence in the hanhala, instead of making a half assed protest, and completely condemning the hanhala, I called one of the Rabbeim and asked him respectfully to explain it to me. Not because he has to answer up to me, but because I really wanted to understand why this guy, who is growing, was kicked out before others, who it would be understandable for them to be chucked.
My rebbi went through an incredibly detailed process that brought him to his conclusion, and assured me that he didn't take my questioning as chutzpah, even if the idea may have been chutzpadik. He even thanked me, because now he was assured that he can go through his whole accounting and arrive at the same conclusion, free of guilt.
Now that I was privy to the information, I was able to stand wholeheartedly behind my hanhala, confident in their decision. However, all of my friends are pissed off at them, and now me, because I don't join in their indignance. And when I try to calmly explain that I went through it with them, and fully agree, I'm accused of kissing ass and being a lackey. Plus, because I don't want to argue, nor do I have the liberty to, when they ask me what my rebbi said, and I don't tell them, not out of any high and mighty reason, just because I think it's a breach of confidence, they get more pissed!
Plus, my Rosh Yeshiva heard that someone called my rebbi, and although he doesn't know it's me,I believe he took it the wrong way. He even went as far as telling another guy in yeshiva that anyone who has problems should tell him to his face. He was pissed!
So now, I'm caught between the guys and the hanhala, but part of the hanhala is pissed at me! Jeez! I didn't know what to do! And, because I was so tired, everything felt that much worse! I felt like crap! Anyway, gam zu yavor, and hopefully either I'll clear things up, or they'll blow over themselves....Good Shabbos, everyone!
Originally posted Saturday, 18 June 2005
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