Giving blood with bob marley...

Okay, I've decided to give another crack at posting this thing.....
I was explaining why I didn't post on thursday night like I usually do; the reason was because I had seen a flier for a blood drive being held at Bank Hamizrachi, on thursday night, and I decided to go. When I arrived, I was pleased to see soo many people turning out to give blood. The place was literally swarming. Anyway, I go over to this guy to ask him what I need to do, and he gives me this huge form to fill out. So, I went over to a corner, sat down, and began the questionnare, which was so extensive and probing, that I half expected it to ask me to list my shoe size, inseam, and collar size. And whether I wore boxers or briefs ( commando style- bet you didn't see that one coming, huh?). And whether I peed in the shower ( I'll never tell...BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!).
Once I was finished giving over my bank account number and passcode, along with the location of the spare set of keys to my father's car, and the security bypass for my house, I had to wait in yet another line to get my blood pressure taken. When it was my turn, I walked over to the guy and said: "Listen man, all you need to know is that I'm seriously chilled.....and you can write that down." Being as he didn't understand a word of english, the profundity of my words was lost upon him, and he nodded and motioned me into a seat in front of him. Once that was done, I was sent to another line to get this litte card with all my vital stats on it stamped and stickered. Then I was herded into yet another line. If I listened closely, I thought I was able to hear cows mooing in the background. Maybe not, but it definitely smelled like a barn; it was thursday night, which means that we were at the peak of the no shower for a week spell that is considerably prevalent amongst my Haredi brethren. So, I calmly inserted two small rolled up peices of tissue into my nostrils, and continued to wait. This was the line for the actual bloodletting....
Finally, it was my turn. I walked over to the bed, and hopped on. The guy administering the process was russian, and didn't speak english terribly well. Fortunately, I know a little russian. Unfortunately, none of it can be used in a civilized discussion...
So, he tells me to lie down, which I did, and then he sort of dims the lights, pours some red wine, and starts giving me a back rub...just kidding, I wanted to make sure you were still paying attention! All seriousness aside (wait...that can't be right...?), he reaches over, and rips my sleeve up in a straightforward manner, all the way to my arm pit. "Wait," I say weakly, "we've only just met..." Then he applies a tourniquette around my bicep, and tightens it with his teeth. Just kidding...I tied it with my teeth...He rubs some alcohol in the crook of my elbow, which I suspect he got from a hip flask, and then rams the needle home, like a knifing in a prison. He gave me a stress ball to squeeze repeatedly, in order to get the blood pumping, then he turned to the next guy.
Truth be told, I was a little anxious, but luckily I had planned ahead, and brought along my iPod. I put Bob Marley on shuffle, and closed my eyes to settle in. You know that story about the baal teshuva who prayed at the grave of the Ari Hakadosh that he should protect his mother during her surgery, and she later reported that she had a vision of a lion gaurding her in the hospital the entire time? Well, when I opened my eyes at one point, the russian was gone, and lo and ehold, Bob Marley was sitting there, dreads and all, and toking on a massive spliff. And he turned to me and sang " don't worry, about a thing...cuz every little thing is gonna be alright..." Thanks Bob....
About fifteen minutes later, I feel a tapping on my shoulder. It's the russian dude, back with a vengeance. He signals that I'm done, and without any hesitation, rips the needle out. For a brief moment I had a vivid mental picture of him forgetting to take the tourniquette off, and my blood spurting out like a geyser, like in one of those cheesy B-film horror flicks. Then he had me apply pressure to the wound to stop the bleeding, and told me to take it easy for a bit. He asked me how I felt, and I replied that I was fine and hopped off the table and went to get a drink. Someone had told me that if you smoke immediately afterwards, you get a serious headrush, so I had a smoke out and ready when I saw this other guy who finished up shortly after me. He told the guy he was fine, and then took two steps and keeled over in a faint. That freaked me enough to put the cig away, and I decided to take it easy for the rest of the night.
So, there you have it. And now, hopefully this time it'll make it on to the site....
Originally posted Wednesday, 14 December 2005